My hands are clammy, my stomach is in knots and my mind is racing like a ping pong ball has been released in my skull. I am lying in bed after just waking up and panic has officially struck! I haven’t been this anxious since I set off for university 8 years ago.
Today is the day we fly, if I’m going to back out, now’s the time to tell Lewis. I am laying there thinking about every bad thing that could happen whilst we are away; what if the cat dies, what if one of my parents fall ill, what if my house burns down. I glance over at Lewis and he looks so peaceful, I am envious that he hasn’t woken up yet, I only wish I could fall back asleep and be as peaceful as him. Sleep is the only time my mind is quiet and man do I wish my mind was quiet right now.
I am telling myself over and over, it’ll be fine, stop panicking, one step at a time. I just need to get to the airport. That’s the first step. Then just like an angel, my sister turns up at the house, I have never been so happy to have someone ring the door bell so early!
She was the perfect distraction, she reassured me and had calmed me down in no time. I still had knots in my stomach but I didn’t feel quite as queasy and my mind had started to slow down, the irrational thoughts were starting to sound just that… irrational.
This sense of calm didn’t last long though, I had another hurdle to jump before the airport… leaving the house. This is the first time I have been away since owning my own house, I didn’t realise how much it was going to affect me. As Lewis was trying to push me out of the door, I kept running back in to check the oven was off, make sure the back door was locked, make sure all the plugs were switched off… ‘Jess’ he was shouting, ‘Com’on, it’ll be fine, everything is off, you have already checked it!’. I got the sense he was getting annoyed.
I am now sat by a pool in Dubai, 24 hours later… still thinking about the damn oven but I am so glad I made that first step! I am exhausted from the days anxiety, not to mention the lack of sleep but I am now feeling elated. We are here, safe and sound.